This post, unfortunately, will contain some venting. I've put it under a collapsible in case anyone wants to skip this post. It may be a bit heavy, but not too heavy. CW for struggling as an autistic person, mentions of masking, and other neurodivergent/mental health struggles.
This is the only place I really feel safe posting such thoughts, to be honest.
Post title. As mentioned, I feel like an outsider everywhere I go.
I don't know if this is because I'm autistic, or what - but no matter how kind people are to me, I always feel like they do not like me, or they just... tolerate my presence at best. I know for a fact that these thoughts are not rational or based in reality. I know that I've surrounded myself with people who, if they had any issues with me, they'd tell me. (Or at least, I hope so. I really do hope so.)
I know why, though. When you lose a friend group you thought was forever, and if there was trauma involved, of course that's going to leave a mark on you - and I guess I'm at that point. After what I experienced, I unfortunately am so hesitant to invest time and effort into people because of the way some relationships have ended. It's gotten to the point where I have become a hyper-independent person to protect myself and make sure I don't have to rely on anyone for anything, but this came with the price of feeling lonely and scared to open up to anyone about anything.
It's not fun. It sucks, actually. And I recently got hit with this wave of doubt when I participated in a group event. Nobody is to blame, this is all on me - I do not want them to feel responsible for MY feelings. But sometimes I feel like what I say is overlooked or doesn't matter, or that I annoy people. I pick up on subtle things and changes and I'm just hoping to the higher powers above that I'm overthinking it. But after seeing some other, similar scenarios where someone thought they were overreacting and they weren't, and things were so much worse than they could have ever imagined, I have some fears.
And I've got no idea how to unpack this, deal with this, or process this right now. So here I am, writing about it instead.
*uncaps vape and opens Overwatch to cope lmao*
#personal
